Steal My Stuff: April 2012

A light touch caressed my skin, moving slowly, delicately, gently drawing me away from sleep.

I blinked and saw only a mist.

I blinked again and slowly the shapes changed and swirled, becoming a face with smooth, pale skin, framed by short, dark hair, slightly bushy after a long night. One delicate hand rested beneath, causing a slight indent in the pillow.

I looked more closely as a thick bottom lip, dry and reddened, opened slightly, sticking to itself a little before breaking free and revealing two bucked front teeth.

I smiled. I couldn't help it. You smiled back, then immediately pushed your bottom lip beneath your top lip, embarrassed at the show of affection.

My lips curled more broadly as I smiled further. Is it possible to be so happy it hurts?

My eyes focussed on a cute little nose, lightly sprinkled with freckles and touched by a fragment of sunshine, up further to large brown eyes, blinking at me impassively, doleful in expression.

I breathed in and out deeply.

Without repose my eyes darted over your face, perhaps looking for an imperfection and if so, finding none. I leaned in and gently, very gently, pressed my lips against yours. I surrounded your bottom lip with mine, sucking lightly as I pulled away.

I lowered my head and looked up at you deeply.

'Hey,' I said, my voice breaking a little.

'Hey,' you said, your voice slightly croaky, how it always was.

I pressed my lips against your nose and held them there, letting the warmth of my breath pulse in waves against your skin. I pulled back slowly to watch your nose wriggle.

You smiled – a cheeky grin.

'How are you feeling?' you asked.

I looked back deeply, not wanting to look away, never wanting to look away. How could I describe how I felt? This was perfection. It couldn't get better than this.

But then...

A slight feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That was true, wasn't it? It really couldn't be any better. It could only get worse. A bunch of what-if's flooded my mind.

What if my feelings changed? What if I no longer wanted to be with you constantly, every second of every minute of every hour of every day? What if it became every fourth second, or every fifth minute, or every sixth hour or every seventh day? Could there be a time when I would only want to see you once a week? Or not at all?

The feeling in my stomach grew.

If things settled down, like they say it does, like they all say it does, once this period is over, and we settle into some kind of daily life with ups and downs - what then? As I get to know you will your cute nose wriggles become annoying? Will I tire of that strange way you tap your finger against the spoon to ration the sugar on your cereal? Will I cringe when you keep flicking your short hair, as if it has fallen across your eye, knowing it was far away? How could I not touch your skin and become giddy from caressing your goose bumps? How could I not feel joy in your happiness? Surely that could never happen. How could it? You're the cutest thing in the entire world. Put you next to a fluffy puppy and a sleeping baby and you'd make them look ordinary. But what if?

We will live our lives together and have children; cute, adorable children since they are from you. But what if this changes how I feel about you? What if I start to resent the time you no longer have for me and the sharing of your love? Will I come home from work and head straight for the TV or the computer? Will we live separate lives, two strangers sharing the same house?

When my brother died, before we were together, before I knew you, I was so sure I couldn't go on. All those sleepless nights, all that crying, all that pain in my stomach. And the tiredness, the absolute tiredness. But slowly I got an hour or two of sleep and slowly I returned to work and slowly I started going out again. It never left me, but I survived. And I keep surviving. But if that can change, if my assured self-destruction wasn't so absolute, then why would my feelings of love be immutable?

You want to know how I am feeling? I feel scared. I don't want things to change. I don't want to lose this feeling. I will end up chasing it till I die. Chasing the butterflies and the warmth and the self-assuredness and the lack of doubt and the connection we share.

But I can't tell you. It will have to be my only secret from you. If I say anything you will think I'm questioning the relationship, questioning my own feelings about you. But that's not true! I love you more than anyone could love another person, more than you'll ever know. You are my soul mate, my best friend, my everything. I just don't want these feelings to change.

What can I do to stop it? What could I possibly ask of you? You are perfect. Any change would destroy that. Should I just hang on for as long as possible and enjoy the ride, knowing that one day things will be different?

It's already changed! I have doubts. There were none before. I don't want them. I want to be ignorant. I want to think and feel with you, not about you.

So how am I really feeling? Maybe I'm not scared. Maybe I'm disappointed, sad, resigned to the only future possible. Maybe that's all I can be.

I rolled over.

'I'm fine.'