Dean was standing by the cracked cement wall and looking at something, looking really close, which made us wonder and also wander over to see for ourselves. I pointed my torch at Dean and then at this little shelf set in from the wall with some batteries and all sorts of junk, surrounded by notes left by someone and everyone who'd been here before. Dean explained that we should leave extra batteries for torches so that no one gets lost down here, 'coz we're all part of a clan and should look out for each other. Sprawled on the wall nearby was this massive guest book with names and funny messages and jokes like “what do you get when you line up 100 blonds ear to ear? A wind tunnel” and “if tennis players get tennis elbow and squash players get squash knees, what do gynaecologists get? tunnel vision!”, the last of which Wendy didn't like. I was just surprised they spelt gynaecologist right. There were also more serious messages like “when it rains, no drains,” which turned Wendy even more whiny.
Cassandra was really keen to leave her own name there, to leave it for prosperity, and when I asked why she said she didn't know why but that she wanted to do it. When we realised we didn't have anything to write with and that we couldn't even get the rocks to make any writing marks on the wall she kept saying that it was fine and she was fine and that it didn't matter.
While this was going on Dean had taken off and was now ahead of us again. The rest of us walked slower, in awe at how the cement walls gave way to real cave rock, which really got our torches moving and legs walking and tongues talking.
Cassandra came from nowhere and surprised Chris, which really made him jump, and made us all laugh. Then she pointed the camera in his face and started asking him questions, like 'What is the meaning of life?' and 'What is truth?' Chris was perplexed at the best of times and this wasn't the best of times so he stumbled over some sentences which didn't really make sense. Then Dean shouted out from ahead that the meaning of life was sex. I laughed but the others didn't have a good sense of humour.
'I never even knew this place existed,' I said. Dean was still up ahead but heard me and said that there were tunnels all over Adelaide. 'Under Adelaide,' corrected Cassandra. Dean didn't listen and just kept talking about some really old tunnel from behind Government House that went to Frome Road and was only there so that soldiers could take their horses to graze without having to cross a busy road, back when we had soldiers.
Chris went missing and when we went to find him we found him near a wall looking at some amazing wall art, looking it up and down like it was holy. He appreciated that stuff more than me, being arty farty, but I still liked the idea of someone coming in here and spray painting some picture so that other drainers could check it out, like we were in some exclusive club. The graffiti spelt out a name, followed by the word tomb. I shouted out to Dean to ask if that was the name of this tunnel, 'coz I heard that they were named after the people who found them, but he didn't hear me.
We kept walking, kept jumping, kept singing, all the way through this dark and scary and amazing tunnel. 'Pass us the goon bag,' someone said. Pretty soon we were all walking and drinking, feeling like bums in our underground tomb.
We got to a spot where this big fan was moving slowly and blowing air all around us, even against Wendy's hair but not in the glamourous way you see in shampoo commercials but more like something out of Bladerunner. But not the first theatrical release because that had a totally different feel to it. Now they're just cashing in and doing five or six versions which really goes against the spirit of the film.
Cassandra jumped in front of me, trying to scare me like she scared Chris but I didn't fall for it. We kept walking while she backtracked, like some cameraman from a nature documentary or like I was some presenter on a kids TV show. Cassandra, Cassandra was short and sweet, not short and pudgy, but short and cute, enough that I'd given it some thought, as it were. But she was Chris' old girl and I couldn't do that to him, not poor old Chris, not nicest guy in the world Chris, not good friend Chris. Not for a girl, even one like Cassandra. Besides, she seemed hung up on Dean.
Wendy, Wendy, moaning Wendy, moaned about her shoes and how her feet were hurting. Cassandra said to just take them off which horrified Wendy who pointed her torch at the ground and showed us all how filthy the bottom of the tunnel was, with mud and water and who knows what. Then Chris said 'Kick 'em to the curb, girlfriend,' referring to the shoes. We all stopped walking and just stared at him. I said it was good he was trying humour but maybe he should practice at home in front of a mirror first. This got a great laugh out of Wendy, but Cassandra stayed neutral and looked at me seriously like I'd really hurt his feelings which made me feel bad. But moments later I was talking about how utterly terrible Lord of the Rings was as a book, about how I understood that it was quite influential in defining the modern fantasy genre but that it was flawed because it was just lots of walking, walking, bits of talking, followed by a long trek in the mountains. Chris turned and said that that was all we were doing, walking and talking, and he had me, he totally got me, which got a stern expression from me and a few laughs from Wendy and a louder one from Cassandra which made me laugh and we all laughed and I felt better.
Then Wendy chimed in about another book with lots of travelling which was this boring book called On The Road, where this guy just went from one side of America to the other and spoke in this rambling style which got tiring very quickly and which tried to seem profound but really wasn't. It shocked me that Wendy had actually read something not by Ann M Martin.
That got Cassandra started with her favourite topic: American Imperialism. She went on and on about how they were hypocritical and how they interfered with foreign states, even Australia. She said that in the 70's America didn't like Gough Whitlam so they orchestrated some political manoeuvring so that he got sacked, which I'd never really known. Every time she mentioned something bad that America spread, Dean would chime in with good things they'd done, just for the argument. She would mention wars, he would mention McDonald's. She would talk about how McDonald's was bad for the environment and he would say that America was a world leader in environmental sustainability. You could tell she didn't really believe him but she couldn't argue against it because she didn't know for sure.
Dean was rat-tat-tapping on the walls and the pipes. I said to the girls: 'What's the best start to a song?' The others started tat-tat-tapping, just like Dean, using our tunnel as an impromptu instrument, trying to recreate some hideous pop song. I said: 'No, no, no, I meant lyrics-wise.' The others umm'd and ahh'd until I just bore right in and said the best start to a song is from What's My Scene by the Hoodoo Guru's. The others tried to get it in their heads and it was Wendy who got there first, singing 'And another thing...'
This got Dean started and you really shouldn't get dean started, especially when it comes to music, especially when it comes to anything, 'coz once he gets started he just doesn't stop. He went on and on about other 80's groups and then about Australian music and how Triple J doesn't play enough Karnivool any more and how Birds Of Tokyo were awesome at the Gov and all this stuff that frankly me and Chris barely listened to. The girls were Chinese whispering to each other like they always did and I could see Chris glance a few times over to them, not longingly like some besotted love bird but definitely with something, with some kind of feelings and it made me think.
We kept moving on down the tunnel till we got to this thin mummy passage that scared the crap out of Wendy since it looked like a trap, like in old westerns where they'd be travelling in their wagons and get to a thin spot between cliffs and it'd always be an ambush, they even knew it was going to be an ambush, but still went in regardless. That's what I like about those films, how they'd do all this bad stuff and then get to the point in the story where they'd know they were doomed, they'd just know, and they'd accept their fate anyway. Dean accepted his fate first and went through the passage. Before he went in he said that he hadn't gone further than this before, that last time he was here, which was the only time, he got this far and the girl he was with couldn't wait any longer and they did it right here and just left afterwards.
So we kept trying to look at the thin passage while someone shone a torch in everyone's face which got on our nerves a little. Every time it hit Wendy I could see her trembling like she'd just watched the first Saw film, maybe the second one, but not anything later since you kind of know the formula by then which makes it less scary.
Dean called back and said to come straight away, that we'd never believe what he found. We all rushed through the thin passage, even Wendy, who kind of grabbed onto me for protection as we walked which I didn't mind. When we got to the other side it was this massive room with pipes jutting in from all angles and bright green moss shining in the lights, different coloured lights, setting it up like an Alien film but much more pleasant. It even had a waterfall that landed in a kind of urban lake, which made the air misty and all atmospheric. 'That's gorgeous,' said Wendy, still holding on to me. We all wow'd and ooh'd and ahh'd for ages. Cassandra filmed heaps of it, from all different angles. She said it's the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. We all agreed. Then Chris said that he bet we were the only ones to ever see it which is obviously wrong since it was man-made but we were too busy ooh'ing and ahh'ing to care.
Dean jumped up one of the pipes and stood there like a pirate on the end of a pirate ship. He had taken a few more chugs from the goon bag and said some stuff about muses and about how they shouldn't desert him at this his finest hour. He was looking at us but the truth was he was my muse, not the other way around; he was the thing that bound us together and kept things moving; they always had to be moving.
'I reckon we're the only ones to ever see this,' said Chris again. This time we all paid him out until he had that puppy dog look on his face and we all felt sorry for him and surrounded him in a big group hug. After, we sat down and passed around the goon bag. I took a massive swig and it ran down the sides of my mouth but no one saw so I drank again. Not long later my head was spinning and the colours looked even better. It was like we'd found paradise. 'These truly are the glory days,' I said and laid back on the cement floor. Wendy had curled her fingers between mine and we both lay back together.
My fingers tingled as Wendy moved off and had a private chat with Cassandra in the corner of paradise. That left the boys alone and so we did what we always did and talked about girls.
Dean said that he can't go up to a girl who he thinks is perfect because he'll just look at her and look at her and try to find some imperfection, and he won't stop until he does, and after he does he won't like her any more because she's not perfect like he thought she was and that it's all about expectations, which I suppose is true. So he said he goes for 7's or 8's, maybe 9's if he really needs it. If I hadn't seen him around girls I'd think he just lies a lot but I've seen him around girls and he wasn't lying. My contribution was about porn, since I wasn't as fast as Dean. I said I can only watch porn with ugly chicks in it, or at least average looking, because it's all a fantasy, it's all in your mind, and if you can't imagine a situation where a really hot looking chick would want to do you then it just won't work. Chris seemed a bit embarrassed and so we pestered him about his sexual encounters. He wouldn't budge. Dean asked about Cassandra and what she was like when they were together but he still didn't budge which I was happy about. Dean then said that he never watches porn. I was incredulous at this but he assured me and Chris that he just doesn't need to, that he's got a friend and they have sex whenever. I started to think if I could do that, have sex with a female friend, and I decided I probably could.
Chris finally chimed in and said that when he was younger he had this idea for a little device which would let you tell someone you liked them, but kind of secretly. Me and dean looked at each other. But the idea wasn't that crazy as he went on and talked about how you'd put this little device in your pocket and when you passed by a hot chick you could just press a button and if she had one of the devices and thought you were attractive she could press her button and then, only then, would it alert both of you that you liked each other. It was like this safe way for people with low self-esteem to get to know one another. I thought it didn't seem to meet the demands of the target demographic since you could press your button when some hot chick wanders past but then when you don't receive the signal that she likes you, you'd get all sad and mopey. Chris said that wasn't true because the girl might not even have one of the devices, which was true. Dean said that Chris was dopey, not mopey, and that the whole idea was bunk. He couldn't understand why you'd even need it. I at least understood it, but I wouldn't have invested capital in the idea. Then Cassandra said that he should write an app for it, that the device could just be a mobile phone. That shocked us all because we didn't know the girls were listening in on our conversation and recording it on the camera. 'This is man business,' I said. 'Stop listening in on our conversation.' But they just laughed at us like girls do when they're doing the wrong thing but don't care.
Dean jumped up and started walking through all the pipes. He was keen to move on and seemed almost angry that we were wasting time just lying around talking. We all followed and got out our flashlights and kept walking through the tunnel that didn't end. Until we got to the end. There was no great finality to it, or even a nice final wall, since the sides of cement just kind of converged on this one point, almost like it was hiding the fact it was an ending at all, and more like something that continues on like the inside of a circle. 'Well that sucks.' Everyone was all bummed. Dean was saying how it was a kind of microcosm of life, that as soon as you get to where you're going you realise it wasn't worth getting there. Cassandra was saying that yes, it was a microcosm, but of how the journey is what it's all about and reminding us of the paradise room. Dean didn't like the conversation and got real angry, jumping up and down and punching the wall. We all weren't happy with the ending but we didn't think it was all that bad, yet Dean was going crazy and wouldn't calm down. It was like he had wanted something out of this, something more that he couldn't share with anyone but him. The girls all surrounded him and spoke quietly to him, then Chris joined in and it seemed to be working. Chris was always really calm, at least with people, and while I couldn't hear what he said I knew it was working because Dean's shoulders were relaxing and his face wasn't red any more and he didn't seem like he'd bash the whole place down. I stayed back and kind of waited, not sure what to do.
I looked up and saw a grate on the ceiling with sunshine streaming through. There were these old fashioned metal ladder rungs leading up to it which looked amazing and made me think of sewers and nineteenth century Paris for some reason.
Then dean just fell back and his face seemed pale. He wasn't having a fit but you could see he was in pain. We didn't know what to do. 'What do we do?' shouted Wendy. I was even more helpless. Chris was quietly talking to Dean. My stomach was in knots and I got all confused and I swear someone else was shouting but everything was hazy. All these noises came into my ears and I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen, that the end of the tunnel was going to be the end of something else. I started thinking about God and Buddha and what happens when you die and I realised that I didn't really know and I promised myself that I'd read more books on comparative religion and spirituality and all that pseudo-hippy stuff that everyone seems to love.
Then dean looked up. He was fine. He jumped up as if nothing happened. This was good, we all thought it was good, but we didn't feel that good. Chris and Cassandra and Wendy were all perplexed and had other things going on in their heads, while I felt guilty for thinking about myself when Dean, cool Dean, lady's man Dean, was almost about to die. 'You were faking it,' screamed Cassandra, 'You were faking it.' Dean just swaggered off. Cassandra ran to him and hit him but he didn't do anything back and then he laughed, but not a full laugh, more like a nervous laugh. But it didn't matter because soon we were all laughing and having a good time.
To get to the ladder rungs we had to jump a small stream of water. It was nothing, but Cassandra made a big deal of it, that it was kind of like we were crossing over into being proper grown-ups, even though we already were. She said it was like our bridge to Terabithia. I hated that book but decided not to say anything since the others were all happy with the idea.
We clambered up the ladder, Dean first, followed by Cassandra, then Chris, then Wendy and finally me. I looked back at the tunnel and thought for a second that there was something important I should learn from this. I wasn't sure what it was. Then I realised I'd spent too much time around Cassandra and it was just a stupid tunnel. So I kept climbing and looked up the ladder and saw Wendy's bum which looked nice from this angle.
© 2011 Ben Safta
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 Australia License
